


Melancholy and Joy

by BettyHT



Series: Kate [6]
Category: Bonanza
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-08-04 22:52:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16355792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BettyHT/pseuds/BettyHT
Summary: 6th story in the Kate series.  Adam and Kate gradually and painfully work out how to communicate which isn’t easy for either of them.  Hoss and Melody have an easier time of it.





	Melancholy and Joy

Melancholy and Joy

Chapter 1

When the stage got to Reno, Kate started to feel a bit nervous. She had never traveled and now in each town, there would be new things. She had been excited when Adam had talked of the trip to New York and Boston and of the theatres and concerts they would see, the shopping they could do, and the sights they could see. But Kate began to worry that she would not fit in with his friends and all their worldly sophistication. Their first stopover was in Salt Lake City. Adam thought that Kate would tolerate the journey better if they stopped for a day or two in some of the larger cities along the way.

Laughing with joy, Kate danced barefoot in the shallow water of the Great Salt Lake. They had a picnic lunch, and then strolled through the developing city. As they walked through Temple Square, Adam was fascinated by the ongoing construction of the Temple itself. Construction had been going on for over a dozen years and by then people could see what a grand edifice it would be. They shopped at the newly opened Zion's Cooperative Mercantile Institution, and though most of the shoppers there were Mormon, they were treated well and found a few items to take with them. Kate was well rested then, and they continued their trip to New York.

The next stopover of course was in Laramie where they spent the night at Uncle Abe's home. He was quite happy to learn they were expecting a baby in seven more months and looked forward to becoming a great uncle. As they continued their travels, Kate was amazed at the variety of terrain they covered although she still thought the greatest view had been looking back at the Sierras as the sun set. They saw more of the mountains as they continued to Denver where they planned to spend two days visiting with friends of Adam, Matt and Irena Noth. The only sour spot on the trip east occurred here for Kate though. The couple they stayed with were early risers as were Kate and Adam. As Adam shaved, Kate went downstairs in the home to see if she could get coffee for the two of them. What she heard made her retreat but not before she heard what the two truly thought of them.

"I can't believe Adam is married. I never thought he would marry."

"I know. He backed out the other times. I can't believe this will last, not with his wandering eye. He always did have an appreciation of beautiful women. I can't believe he settled for this Kate. She certainly doesn't have the classical beauty I thought he appreciated."

"Perhaps he felt sorry for her. After all, by her age, most women have found a husband and have given their husbands children."

"Maybe that's what he's after. She looks like she could produce an heir for the man at least."

"Well if last night was any indication, he's trying to do that. There was a lot of bed springs squeaking."

"I know. I heard it too."

"Well if that's all he wanted her for, he could have set her up as a mistress. He didn't have to marry her for that."

"Well I would assume tonight the little backwoods girl will have to be with us at the theatre. It is always so difficult with an uneducated person in our group explaining everything to them."

"Well, dear husband, we've survived it before, we can do it again."

Kate turned to head back up the stairs. She had no idea how to act around these people any more now that she knew how they felt about her. She did her best to hide her dismay when she walked back into the room to see Adam finishing his shaving. She looked at him and wondered now too why such a wealthy, handsome man had married her. Self-doubt had always been a problem for Kate, and it reared up again. Instead of caving in to it though, she walked up to Adam and kissed him lightly after he had wiped his face with a damp cloth.

"Ahh, that's a great way to start the day. But I think we can improve on that." Adam wrapped Kate in his arms and kissed her deeply. He felt a little resistance at first but Kate soon melted into his arms and returned his passion.

"I would love to do more than kiss, sweetheart, but we have made plans for the day. We should finish dressing and get going."

With reluctance, Adam let Kate slip from his embrace. He thought he saw a bit of sadness in her look.

"Is there something wrong? Are you feeling all right?"

"Of course, I'm fine. Just a little tired perhaps. You did keep me up until late last night."

Smiling, Adam hugged Kate once again. "I promise tonight to let you sleep so you'll be well rested for the next part of our trip." He kissed her again and then let her go so they could dress.

After a quick breakfast, Adam and Kate toured the rapidly growing city by hiring an open carriage and driver. There was little evidence any longer of the fire that had devastated the city only a few years earlier. The smell of freshly hewn lumber was everywhere as it seemed the newly rich wanted homes to advertise their new status. Some homes were so ostentatious they made Adam laugh. Kate would ask why, and he would explain all of the unnecessary accoutrements of some of the new homes. They had lunch at one of the new restaurants and were very happy with the dishes that were served. Kate was eating more and felt that she could already feel a baby bump but Adam said there was no difference yet. Each night she would have him feel to see if he could tell. Kate was in a joyous mood until they had to return to the Noth home.

After dinner, Kate tried to tell Adam she could skip the theatre that night, and when he asked if she was ill, she couldn't lie to him. He told her he would explain anything she didn't understand and that only made her feel worse even though she smiled at him when he said it. They attended the theatre that evening with Matt and Irena, but the conversation was stilted. Adam couldn't determine why his friends seemed to have trouble conversing with Kate and why she was basically just polite to them. By the end of the evening, he was more than ready to retire early to get a good rest before their continuing travels the next day. When he asked Kate if anything was bothering her, she said she was anxious to continue the journey which made Adam happy even if he had lingering doubts as to whether he truly understood why Kate was upset.

Riding the rails, the couple were soon in St. Louis where Adam was fascinated by plans to build a bridge over the Mississippi River. The couple spent some quiet time strolling through the several large parks the city was developing. Adam was impressed with the city planning though the city suffered through repeated bouts of cholera and typhus epidemics that would continue until they stopped dumping waste in the river north of the waterworks. Both marveled at the Mississippi River. Adam had seen it before but the river was magnificent no matter how many times one saw it. Kate was like a child cooing in delight as they crossed the river for the next part of the journey.

Once across the Mississippi, Kate and Adam had no more stops planned until they reached New York. Adam had reserved a sleeping berth so they were reasonably comfortable. It was cramped but they had each other and that was all that mattered. The memories from Denver were fading for Kate who resumed her more usual engaging personality. As they traveled they watched the landscape change again and again. Kate was soothed by Adam's presence and the rocking train, but her doubts and insecurities had been unleashed by those harsh words.

On the Ponderosa, Hoss rode over to Adam's building site every day as he had promised to be sure the work was proceeding as Adam had instructed. The house was looking good already and would be rough finished by the time that Adam and Kate returned. As Adam and Kate were touring St. Louis, Hoss had a guest and was showing her the house.

"Melody, look over here. See this doorframe with the hole in the middle. Adam says that he's gonna have a pocket door on each side."

"Hoss, what's a pocket door?"

"Well, see, it's a door that slides into the doorframe instead a swinging out or in. Adam says that way there's no wasted space. This here room is gonna be his study or office, and this way he can open it up to see everything going on of close it off when he's working in here."

"Your brother sure is smart."

"Yeah, he is. And I want him to build me a house like this sometime. He's even got something ordered called a water closet. It's gonna go in the upstairs washroom. They won't even have to go outside to use the necessary. Now that would be right handy to have in the winter especially or when the mosquitoes are bad."

"Hoss, what will they do with the, you know, the mess?"

"Come around the back and I'll show ya. He's got a pipe that's gonna come out of there and into a big hole in the ground and it'll be all covered up and everything so there won't be no smell. He's got the washroom right over the kitchen and he's got some way he was talking about to even get water up there. I don't know how he's gonna do it, but he'll find a way. Then he's got the big washroom down here. He's gonna have a big tub in there for washing clothes and a bath tub too. Even got a stove in there for heating water and the room, on top of it all."

"Wow, all of that would make some wife a happy woman. You gonna marry someone, Hoss, and build her a house like this someday?"

Melody was walking around the back seeing all the land that had been cleared for a stable, corral, and other necessary buildings. Adam planned a smithy and a smokehouse but wasn't sure yet what else he would add. There was room off to the side for a garden and that was already staked out. Hoss couldn't get enough of watching Melody. She had an innocence he found enchanting. He had kissed her a few times, and she had kissed him back, but he still wasn't sure if her feelings were as strong as his. He knew he had to ask her soon though for she was going to be heading back to her cabin in the mountains, and with winter coming on within months, he wouldn't see her again until the snow melted in spring. He didn't want to wait that long.

"Melody, I got something ta ask ya, and you don't have to answer me now although that would be real nice."

"What is it, Hoss? You need help with something?"

"I do, but I don't reckon I really know how to ask for it so alls I can do is just blurt it out. Melody, would you marry me?" When Melody didn't answer right away, Hoss felt he had to convince her. "I know I ain't much to look at. I ain't handsome like Adam or cute like Joe. And I ain't smart like Adam, or funny like Joe, but Melody, I would do anything ya asked. I would do anything I could to make ya happy."

"Hoss, you are the sweetest man. You have beautiful blue eyes, and you got shoulders that let everyone know you're all man. I would be honored to be your wife. I just never thought a man like you would want a woman like me. I ain't never been to school. I can read just a smidgeon that my ma taught me before she died, and I can cipher some cause pa showed me. But I ain't educated like you. Are you sure you won't be embarrassed to be seen with me?"

Hoss grabbed Melody in a hug and let his actions speak for him. He kissed her with a lot of pent up passion. He held her in his embrace and they kissed until both needed to catch their breath.

"Lord, Almighty, you sure can kiss. I never been kissed like that."

"You're gonna get kissed like that a lot now. Can we go tell Pa and Joe now?"

Chapter 2

Arriving in New York with high expectations, Adam and Kate were both dismayed. Manhattan Island, located between the Hudson and East Rivers and bounded on the north by Westchester, was where they had hotel reservations. They intended to attend the theatre and as many musical productions as they could. New York was the largest city in the nation and the gateway city to the country but there was increasing misery and squalor everywhere one looked. Manhattan, Brooklyn and the west end of Long Island were where much of the city's population lived. Manhattan was neatly laid out in a grid of rectangular blocks. But it was not at all level and was marked by low hills, gullies, streams, marshlands and small meadows. Some of the areas along the Hudson and East rivers still had large pockets of swamp and wetlands.

The city was still densely populated however in some areas and as a solution was growing up not out. The sun was blocked by the thousands of tenements that had been already been built in Manhattan. A landscaped Central Park was being developed far away from much of the squalor and the smell, and Kate and Adam retreated there frequently.

The streets where Kate and Adam were staying were paved with cobblestones, but streets in general in the city were muddy, dirty, and had pools of stagnant water. Manure from thousands of horses daily dirtied the streets and removal was not efficient. Yet the city was bursting with energy and buildings were being constructed at a feverish pace. The city never slept.

Within a day of arriving in the city and having contacted some old friends, Adam was already getting job offers. The first came from an old acquaintance from Boston, Ned Fitzgerald, who had worked for Adam's grandfather. For a man with little education, he seemed to be doing well and was well connected with the city's elite.

"Adam, I tell ya, Tammany Hall is the place to go. They'll hire ya as an architect or engineer or both. There's a fortune to be made in this city. If ya was to want to go independent, there's lots of firms what want more architects and engineers."

"I'm not interested in a move to New York. Just one day here has me yearning for the clean air and water of home."

"Now, boyo, you wouldn't have to live here. You could build yourself a fine home anywhere. All you would have to do is sign contracts, design buildings, collect your check from the city, and then send a little commission to Tammany. Most of the wealthy people here are cooperating. No one loses."

"Ned, that sounds illegal."

"Nah, it's just a friendly little deal we all get to share in."

"Ned, it's a kickback scheme. I won't do it."

"Well, then, I guess I'll finish my beer and be on my way. I was just trying to help ya out because you're the Captain's grandson. Abel Stoddard didn't have your standards, boy. He knew how to make money and go with the flow. I guess you really wouldn't fit in here."

Leaving the Irish-American social club, Adam got some strange and suspicious looks. He supposed he didn't look much like an Irishman. But he had been with Ned so people did not question him. When he got back to the hotel, Kate wanted to know what Ned wanted.

"He gave me a job offer to be an architect or engineer. I turned him down. I have no interest in working with the people he works with."

"What if someone you respect made you an offer?"

"I would have to consider it and talk it over with you. What would you think of living here in the east?" Adam expected the answer he got.

"I don't like it here. The shops have wonderful things, and I have enjoyed the theatre and the musical performances, except for opera. But I don't want to live here. It's so crowded and dirty. I want to take a bath whenever we return. It's like being soiled every time you go outside."

Adam nodded and Kate thought she saw the hint of disappointment in his look. Instead Adam was hiding his amusement at the fact that her opinions so closely mirrored his own except for the opera. He adored opera.

"Perhaps, if we saw a few more opera performances, you would grow to like them?"

"I doubt it."

"Well, my dear, frankly operas are just not nearly as important as you. I'll have to do without."

Shaken a little by his answer, Kate was trying to decipher a hidden meaning behind his words. There was none, but Kate worried that if Adam gave up things on her behalf that he would one day come to resent her for denying him things she loved. She tried to backtrack on the opera idea, but Adam was having none of it.

"Kate, you don't have to like opera. Many people don't. It doesn't mean anything about you as a person just like it doesn't mean anything about me that I do like it. I don't want you to change for me. I fell in love with who you are, not who you could become."

"What are we doing tonight? I forgot."

"We're having dinner at a friend's place. There will be all sorts of important people there from lawyers and politicians to writers and artists. It should be a very entertaining evening."

What Adam didn't say was that it was a banquet with over two dozen people who talked knowledgeably about the theatre, the government, literature, religion, and almost any topic one could imagine. He just expected that well educated people could have these conversations. He and Kate talked about many similar things, and he didn't realize that she might feel out of place and unwelcome. Kate ate little and felt more and more nauseous as the evening progressed. She excused herself from an after dinner conversation with the ladies about fashion, French wines, travel in Europe, and finding a good chef. After she cooled her face by splashing water in the washroom, she walked out to the balcony for some fresh air. Soon she wished she had not.

"Adam, you don't need to go back to Nevada. My firm has need of a man just like you. You could make millions for the firm and you would get a good share of that."

"Kate isn't comfortable here. I need to take her home."

"Send Kate home. You don't need her. There are lots of women here for you."

Kate never heard Adam's answer as she fled back into the house. She found a chair in an unoccupied room and sat there dazed. She now believed she was holding Adam back. He had gotten job offers and she wondered if he really did want to accept them. She didn't hear him threaten to hit the man who made those comments. Adam had come inside immediately to look for her so they could leave. He found her but only after nearly an hour had passed.

"Sweetheart, are you all right? You're sitting here in the dark."

"I'm fine, Adam. Are you ready to leave?"

"Oh, yes, I am. I'll get your wrap and we can go. Pa's supposed to be here tomorrow so I want a good night's sleep."

Quiet on the way back to the hotel, Kate was still feeling nauseous. She had not suffered with any morning sickness and wondered if it could start nearly three months into a pregnancy. She wasn't hungry at all in the morning, and Adam asked again if she was feeling all right. She said she was tired and laid on the bed and fell asleep.

On the Ponderosa, Melody was sleeping very well at night too. Hoss had gotten his father's permission for Melody to stay with them. He decorated the downstairs guest room for her so that there would be no suspicion of him acting as anything but a gentleman where Melody was concerned. He got several items from town to brighten the room, and carved a bear for her to have there to remind her of him. She smiled when he said that. Hoss made sure there was wood in the small fireplace in that bedroom each night so that she would not get chilled. She assured him that she slept in much worse conditions before.

"But, ya see, Melody, ya don't have to do that anymore. You're going to be my wife and I want you to be comfortable. Ain't no fun shivering so I got plenty of wood here for you. You light that fire and you'll be toasty warm at night."

"Do you have a fire in the fireplace in your bedroom?"

"Nah, I'm so hot, I only use the fireplace in the middle of winter."

"So when we get married, I won't need the fireplace cause I'll have you." Then Melody blushed at her own audacity, and Hoss blushed too thinking about how he had been thinking the same thing and all the ways he could make sure they were warm at night. Finally, he didn't know what else to do, so he kissed her. His hands moved along her back to her side and then Hop Sing called out that dinner was served.

"Hoss, we really do need to get married soon."

"Why?"

"Because of where you hands was moving to, and I wanted them to keep going."

Hoss smiled, and took Melody by the arm to escort her to dinner.

Chapter 3

Adam awoke Kate early because they needed to meet his father at the New York Central Railroad Depot. There was planning for a new depot that would be a central location for all railroads into New York City but it wasn't built yet so each railroad had its own depot. Kate begged off still feeling nauseous so Adam went to get his father. It was fairly easy to see Ben Cartwright amid the throngs of immigrants and workers milling about the depot. His silver gray hair and the air of authority in his walk set him apart from all the others.

"Isn't Kate with you?"

"She wasn't feeling well and stayed at the hotel."

"That morning sickness can be a major problem."

"I don't think it's morning sickness. I'm worried that Kate is ill. She hasn't been eating hardly anything for the last several days and now she has the nausea. I want her to see a doctor but she keeps saying, it will pass."

When Ben arrived at the hotel, he was surprised at Kate's appearance. She did not have the healthy glow he associated with women who were going to have babies. She was pale and it looked like she had lost weight instead of gained. They made plans to leave for Boston the next day. They would take a ferry across New York Harbor to the other side and then make their way to the New Haven Railroad Depot to ride the train to Boston. On the train trip to Boston, Kate asked for tea and sipped it. She wanted nothing to eat and said she didn't think it would stay down anyway. Adam hoped that the quieter environs of Boston would help Kate recover from whatever was causing her to feel so awful.

As Adam saw Boston again for the first time in over a dozen years, he was amazed and chagrined at the changes he saw. The city had grown in size and sophistication, but like New York, there was a marked increase in the filth. The air, the water in the harbor, and the streets all smelled and looked dirty. They got Kate settled in at the hotel resting in the bed. Ben had an adjoining room. They decided to turn in early to get a good start the next morning.

In the morning, Kate was feeling only a little better. Again all she had for breakfast was tea. Adam again encouraged her to see a doctor, and for the first time, she weakened a little on that point. She told him if she didn't feel better by the next day, he could summon a doctor for her. She still insisted she would feel better after some rest and some time away from New York's filth and stress. They hired a hansom and rode to the cemetery where both Adam's mother and grandfather were buried. Adam bought flowers from a vendor. They were small flowers but in this season, they were lucky to find any at all. At the cemetery, they found Abel Stoddard's marker and next to it the much older Elizabeth Cartwright marker. Adam laid the flowers on his mother's grave and stood with his head bowed. He would have loved to have some memory of her but never would.

As they stood there, Adam was hailed by a short gentleman wearing a dark gray long coat.

"Adam Cartwright, it is so good to see you. I can see the weight of the world has not pressed down those proud shoulders of yours."

"Professor Rose, I am honored that you remember me."

"How could I forget those scowls when I criticized your work and then the remarkable results when you reworked them."

Adam smiled and introduced one of his professors. "This is Professor Rose who taught me so much about architecture and drawing that I can never thank him enough. Professor this is my father, Ben Cartwright, and my wife Kate."

"Well, most pleased to meet you. Has Adam been impressing the western reaches with his great skill?"

Immediately the professor realized that was the wrong question to ask. Adam finally rescued all of them from the awkwardness of the situation. "I'm currently building a new home incorporating many of the fine design elements that have developed since I left school. Unfortunately, many items had to be ordered from England or from the east so the home won't be complete until those deliveries are made."

"Well, I would be delighted if all three of you could join me at my home for lunch. Then you could tell me all about the house you are building."

When Adam looked at his father and at Kate, he could see they were willing so he accepted the invitation and got directions to Professor Rose's home. It was the most pleasant day they had visiting with anyone on the trip. After several hours of engaging conversation, Adam saw how tired Kate was getting and gave his thank you and goodbye to Professor Rose inviting him to the Ponderosa if he and his wife ever traveled to see the west.

"We have talked of doing that. Indeed, with the new railroad being built, it will be a most comfortable ride, and I am interested to see how they overcame all the engineering difficulties in such a massive project."

Professor Rose gave them a ride to the hotel in his carriage. Once they got to their rooms, Kate almost fell on the bed in her exhaustion and was soon sleeping. They had made plans for dinner but Kate had not been interested in eating. Adam was too worried to leave her alone so he had food delivered to the room. When it arrived, Kate awoke at the knock on the door, but the aromas were too much, and Kate began retching. Adam hurriedly moved the food into his father's room.

Sitting on the side of the bed, Adam caressed Kate's cheek and neck and found she wasn't warm. If there was no fever, he feared it was the pregnancy that was the cause of her feeling so ill. As she rested, he resolved to arrange for a doctor to see her the next day. That was all an academic when Kate suddenly doubled up in agony.

"What's wrong? What's happening?

"I don't know. Oh Adam, it hurts so bad. It feels like someone is stabbing me in the back."

"Your back?"

"Yes, ahhhhh, the pain is so terrible. Oh no, Adam, I feel something happening. Oh no. What is happening to me?"

With her hand pointing below her abdomen, Adam lifted her skirt and petticoats and saw the white undergarments stained with blood. He immediately went to his father's room to give him a quick synopsis and ask him to get a doctor.

Hours later as Adam paced back and forth in his father's room, there was a knock on the adjoining door and the doctor entered to tell them the story. Kate had a miscarriage. There were no complications as far as the doctor could tell. She would need bed rest for a time, and there should be no stress or excitement until she was feeling better.

"What could have caused this, doctor? Did our traveling here from Nevada cause this?"

"No one knows what causes these. Some people have some theories, but no it would appear traveling is not a culprit. Many women heavy with child travel with no ill effects. We may better understand this in the future, but for now it appears to happen in some pregnancies and not affect the childbearing ability of the mother. Your wife should be able to provide you with children. Just give her a few weeks. Now you also must know that something like this can have a more profound impact on the mind than on the body. If she appears unwilling to get out of bed or seems overly quiet or reclusive, you should call me again."

"Melancholia?" Ben had known people who suffered from this, and he hoped it would not afflict Kate.

"It is possible."

Adam dropped his head into his hands as he sat down heavily. Then he looked up and offered to pay the doctor's bill for services.

"That's not necessary. The hotel keeps me on retainer to see to the care of their guests as needed. My fee will be added to your bill. Thank you, and if I can be of any more service, please call on me."

The doctor left and Adam went to see Kate. The doctor's assistant was finishing cleaning up, and Adam saw a lot of blood on the linens that were being removed. He sat down carefully on the edge of the bed and touched Kate on the shoulder. She slowly opened her eyes, teared up, and began to cry. All Adam could do was caress her cheek and hold her hand. They sat that way for some time until Kate cried herself to sleep.

Over the next two weeks, Kate did get out of bed but didn't like Adam touching her. She turned away from his attempts to hug her. She was afraid that she would burst into tears at the first word or gesture of condolence. She resolved to be strong in appearance but inside she was crying all the time. Adam made arrangements for them to travel home but even that did nothing to lift Kate's spirits. Adam summoned the doctor, but Kate refused to talk with him. All he could do was to tell Adam that perhaps time would heal the emotional wounds, but he also told him to watch carefully that his wife not sink into a deep depression. Of course Kate was already depressed and her coldness was the shield she had erected to try to make Adam and Ben not worry so much about her. She felt awful for causing Adam so much pain, but in trying to protect him, she caused him more emotional agony than she could have any other way.

On the Ponderosa, Hoss and Melody were having some problems too, but it was a matter of getting to know each other better and preparing to share a life together.

"Melody, I just want you to buy some things so that you can go to town and church and be comfortable. You don't need to wear them things ya made. We can get some dresses at the dress shop or buy some pretty material for you to make some new ones."

"Well then how about I buy some nice blue material and make some shirts for you so you don't have to wear those old white ones ya got. Most of them are almost gray anyway they're so old."

"Well, come on now, this is what I always wear."

"And this is what I always wear. If you want me to change, then you ought to be willing to do the same."

So there was a trip to town and bolts of cloth were purchased, and Melody agreed to a fitting at the dress shop so some fancier dresses could be made. She planned to make her own riding skirts and everyday dresses insisting to Hoss that she would have plenty of idle time on her hands as the snow got deeper. She also planned to make Hoss a few new shirts as soon as she could get him to sit still long enough to be measured. Hoss picked out some gloves and a muff for her as well as a winter coat. She accepted the gloves and the wool coat, but insisted she could make a fur muff much better than the one in the store. Hoss agreed because he thought he was getting almost everything he had asked her to do.

The purchases filled the back seat of the carriage as well as the boot. Then Hoss invited his fiancée to have lunch with him at the International House restaurant. Many people came up to them to congratulate them on their upcoming nuptials wondering if there would be a big party at the Ponderosa to celebrate. Hoss told them the final plans would be made when his Pa and Adam and Kate got home.

Chapter 4

Boarding a train in Boston, Adam helped Kate up the steps and then reached back to give his father a hand. Inside, they found their seats. Kate sat next to the window and stared out seeing nothing. Adam sat by her side and watched her until the train pulled out. She did not react to anything including the jerk they all felt as the train began moving. Adam looked at his father and shrugged. He had hoped that heading home would help improve Kate's mood, but if anything, she was more morose than she had been.

The silent treatment continued. She gave perfunctory answers to questions that Adam asked, and never volunteered anything in conversation with him. Ben could nudge her into conversing on occasion but if she saw that Adam was listening, she would break off talking with Ben too. Adam thought that when they got further west and were confined in the space of a stagecoach that she might show some interest in him or at least talk a little, but that didn't happen either. In each hotel, she pulled to the edge of the bed away from him lying on her side with her back to him. He no longer even tried to touch her or get her to react. Her complete rejection of him could not have been more obvious. Each day as they traveled, Kate kept her hat pulled down nearly covering her eyes and keeping her face in shadow.

Ben tried to engage Kate in conversation but found she would talk only of the scenery or the weather or other mundane things. She would not share her worries, her fears, and her reasons for rejecting his son. Ben had a little more luck with Adam as he vented his frustration with the situation.

"She won't let me touch her. At night, she stays as far from me as she can. I wake sometimes and hear her crying, but when she realizes I'm awake, she stops and acts as if she is sleeping. There couldn't be a bigger gulf between us, and yet I still don't know what I did."

"Maybe it was nothing you did. Maybe it was the miscarriage. Kate may need to see a doctor. This seems to be a state of melancholy she is in. It may be more than you alone can deal with."

"I've already asked her to do that. She just turns away from me and won't speak with me. It seems she thinks I'm the problem."

"Well Laramie is our next stop. Tomorrow perhaps we can see if her Uncle Abe can have an impact."

"We're not scheduled for a stopover though. We only have an hour or so before we make the next stage connection."

"Son, maybe we need to reschedule."

"Pa, I'll do anything, anything at all. I just want my Kate back. I never knew that loving someone could hurt so much." Ben put his hand on Adam's shoulder knowing how much he was hurting if he felt he had to admit it.

The next day in Laramie, Adam and Ben were shocked by Kate's request. She asked Adam to get her bags from the stage.

"Just yours? Kate, if you want to stay, I'll stay with you."

"No, you should go. I just want to spend some time with Uncle Abe."

"Please, Kate, don't shut me out. I love you. I want to be with you."

Kate did what she had been doing. She turned away from him and lowered her head. Adam thought he could literally feel his heart breaking. He pulled Kate's bags and then stood waiting to see if there would be any reaction from her. She kept her back to him. The station manager announced that the next stage was loading. Uncle Abe arrived not understanding the situation at all. Adam asked again if he could stay and got the same answer as Kate told him to get on the stage so he wouldn't miss it. Defeated as never before, Adam climbed aboard the stage in grief and bewilderment. He found he couldn't speak when his father asked him what happened. At the station, Abe picked up Kate's bags and they walked in silence to his home.

For several days, Kate was like a wraith in Abe's home moving from room to room and saying nothing. Finding the situation with Kate to be highly worrisome, Abe did his best to get her to talk with him. Finally he could not stand her reticence any longer.

"You may be twenty-eight years old, but so help me, if you don't tell me what's wrong, I will take you over my knee. This has to be resolved. You cannot go on like your mother wallowing in memories of the sad and hurtful times from her life and failing to live for the present and the future. Now what happened? And don't tell me it was just the miscarriage because I know that was awful, but I know too that there has to be more."

The comparison with her mother shook Kate. She had never considered that as a possibility: that she would grow old and bitter living alone. So Kate told him about what Matt and Irena had said, what the friends of Adam had told him to do in New York, of the job offers he had, and then finally the miscarriage.

"I'm so sad all the time, all I want to do is cry. I couldn't even talk with Adam. All he would have to do is say one kind word, and I would have broken into tears. He wanted me to see a doctor and as I looked at those eyes of his, I had to turn away. I would have collapsed if I had tried to talk with him. I cried at night so often after he was sleeping. I couldn't sleep next to him or he would have known. I couldn't be that weak and helpless. I hid my eyes from him so he wouldn't see that I had been crying."

"So have you told your man this? Dammit, I can tell ya haven't just by the look on your face. Katie, you promised me you would be honest with him. You're not being honest now. You need him so much but you sent him away. The only way for you to heal is to be with him, and I daresay he needs you too but not the way you are now. You're keeping it all to yourself and letting the man think you don't love him any more."

"But, Uncle Abe, I do love him. That's why I don't want to be with him. All I do is make him worry and hurt him. He deserves so much more. I couldn't even give him a baby."

"Katie, dear, you are not thinking straight. That man loves you more than his life. The look on his face was so sad when you told him to leave on that stage, it almost got me to crying. He's hurting worse than you are."

"How can that be? He didn't lose a baby."

"Oh, it wasn't his baby?"

"Oh, of course it was. It's just not the same for a man."

"Darling, that's where you are so wrong. My Anna and I had a miscarriage. And, yes, we had it. My dream of a family was as strong as hers. When she lost the baby, we both lost the baby. I thought I had to be strong for her, but she understood that I had to grieve too. There were times we shed our tears together. We would have tried again if my poor Anna didn't die of that fever."

"But Adam didn't cry."

"Not where you could see it. The way you are now, you couldn't accept him crying. You are so wrapped up in your own grief and loss, you didn't give him a chance to grieve. He's had to take care of you, weather your emotional storm, and then hold himself up when you pulled the marriage out from under him."

"Oh, Uncle Abe, what can I do?"

"Well, first we're gonna send a telegram to Ben and find out where Adam is."

"He must be at home."

"Katie, dear, it's a long trip and bad weather is threatening. I'm not hauling you out there to find out he's someplace else. If I was him, I wouldn't want to be on the Ponderosa when Christmas rolls around. All those happy people would just be too much."

"Next, I want you to sit down and write down everything you said to me only this time it will be a long letter. You can mail it to Adam or you can deliver it in person, but the man deserves to know every single thing that you told me. Now sit and write, and I'm going to the telegraph office."

On the Ponderosa, Christmas decorating and preparing was well under way. Adam was mostly a quiet observer, and no one pushed him to do otherwise. After Ben had informed all of them about the events of the past few weeks, they wished they could help him in some way, but all they could really do was allow him to grieve his losses. Hoss and Melody were planning a wedding for New Year's day. It seemed a great way to start the new year and a new marriage. Hoss did have one question for Adam.

"Adam, could you design a house for me and Melody. We're gonna live here at first, but eventually we're gonna need a bigger house." Suddenly Hoss realized he shouldn't have said that, but Adam reassured him it was all right.

"I can't expect everyone else to stop living because I have. Maybe I should finish the house I started and let you have that. I could stay there and work on it this winter."

"Now, Adam, Kate's gonna come back. She just needs time."

"Hoss, you didn't see her. She doesn't want to be anywhere near me. I'll finish the house."

"Where you gonna live then ifn you give that house to us?"

"I don't know, Hoss, I don't know."

"You're not thinking on leaving again, are ya?"

Adam's silence was all the answer he needed to have. Hoss talked with his father, with Joe, and with Melody, but no one had any idea how to help Adam. He had to grieve his losses and come to terms with them. Ben hoped he would get angry and want to fight someone, anyone, but he stayed away from people as much as he could and worked to fill his days before falling into an exhausted sleep at night. He grew thinner and more sallow looking each day it seemed. He skipped meals to avoid conversations about the wedding and Hoss and Melody's plans to have as many children as they could. When he wasn't outside working, he worked inside on bridles that needed repair or on a pair of old snowshoes that he restrung with new leather straps and webbing.

Chapter 5

On Christmas Eve morning, Ben got up at the usual time. He was surprised that Adam was not already downstairs. When he heard the front door open, Ben expected to see Adam, but it was Joe instead coming in from doing all the chores as he did every Christmas Eve and Day. He never wanted to miss a moment of the holiday traditions and celebrations. Today was the day they usually went to get a tree and put it in the great room. Then the rest of the day, they would decorate the tree, decorate the house, and smell all the aromas coming from the kitchen as Hop Sing baked cookies and pies.

Hoss came down the stairs next and seeing Joe and his father, he asked where Adam was.

"I heard him up early, but I rolled over to get a little more shuteye."

"Yeah, Hoss, so once again I did your chores for you and Adam. Every year it seems you two sleep in on these two days like you think you don't have chores to do. Wonder where the heck Adam is though."

Melody came out of the guest bedroom dressed in a thick wool riding skirt because she intended to go with the brothers when they got the tree.

"Has anyone seen Adam at all this morning?"

Melody was the only one with an answer "Last I saw him was when I got up to use the necessary. He was working on that old set of snowshoes again."

"Well he wasn't in the stable. Sport is there too so he didn't leave."

Then Hop Sing came from the kitchen. "He say he go new house. He say let him be. He say he back in two days. He take food, rifle, and extra blankets."

"Well, how in tarnation did he go if he didn't ride Sport?" At Ben's words, it only took a moment for all of them to look at the fireplace. For the last week, that old set of snowshoes had been propped against the hearth next to the blue chair. They were gone now. Hoss grabbed his coat and hat and went outside. He was back in less than ten minutes.

"Yep, he's walking. He's pulling the sled too. I guess he didn't want Sport standing outside in the cold for two days. The stable ain't hardly even started over there yet. It's just framed up and the roof is on. He's walking as the crow flies so he has probably about a three mile walk ahead of him."

Right then, Ben wished he had confided in his son that he had gotten a telegram from Abe who said he was going to bring Kate to them. Ben had not been sure that would happen and was afraid of the effect on Adam if he had to suffer another crushing disappointment. He told Hoss, Melody, and Joe though as they ate breakfast.

"Well, when are they supposed to get here?"

"Hoss, I don't know. You know how fickle the weather can be at this time of year. Today, tomorrow, the next day, I don't know."

"Pa, why didn't you tell Adam?"

"Joe, you've seen how he is. What would happen if I told him, and she didn't come?"

All of them knew what Ben meant. After breakfast, Hoss drove the wagon with Melody at his side and Joe rode in the back. There was about six to eight inches of snow on the ground with more threatening. They picked a tree, cut it, and loaded it into the wagon with the top hanging off by about six feet or so. Once at the Ponderosa, Melody wondered how they would ever get the tree in the house, but they managed with a few words Ben wouldn't approve of if he had heard them. Melody swept up the needles as the brothers got the tree to stand straight. Ben had gotten a lot of the ornaments from the attic, and Joe went to get the rest. They finished decorating the tree and the house by late afternoon. No one talked about what they were thinking: it would have been more enjoyable if Adam and Kate could have been there to share in the fun.

All of them changed into clean clothes before dinner and were enjoying a glass of brandy before dinner when they heard a carriage arrive. Thinking it was Paul Martin and his wife, Ben walked to the door to welcome them as Joe grabbed his jacket to help them with the horses. Instead, all were surprised when Abe Davidson walked in with Kate.

"I'm sorry we couldn't let you know when we would arrive, but the telegraph lines were down most of the way because of an ice storm."

"Welcome, welcome. Kate, I must say you are looking much better than the last time I saw you. Are you feeling well?"

"Yes, and I have to apologize for my behavior. I don't know what got into me, but Uncle Abe set me straight."

"Welcome Miss Kate. You remember Melody, don't ya?"

"Yes, of course I do. I heard that congratulations are in order too."

"Thank you, Kate." Hoss and Melody said the same thing at the same time and then smiled broadly.

"Oh, Hoss, that is a wonderful blue shirt. It makes your blue eyes stand out even more. Makes you look so handsome!" Kate was impressed at how well Hoss looked in his new shirt.

"Well, thank ya, Kate. It was all Melody's doing."

"And Melody, you look absolutely beautiful in that dress."

"Hoss bought me some new duds. I like this one best."

Taking a deep breath, Kate asked what she hoped would get her an answer she wanted. "Is Adam here?"

"Not right here, ma'am, but we know where he's at. One of us can take ya there in the sleigh. He's at the new house."

"Is it done?" Kate was surprised because Adam had said they wouldn't be able to finish the house until spring.

"Not completely, but it's rough finished. I was pushing the crew all fall until the snow fell to get as much done as they could."

"I'm sorry, Hoss, but what does 'rough finished' mean?"

"Oh it means the walls, floors, roof, and siding and such is done, but not the plastering, the painting, and such. The stove got delivered before the snows fell, but there ain't any furniture there except the benches we used for building."

"But why is Adam there then instead of here?"

Ben stepped in because he knew Hoss would have a hard time telling Kate the rest. He and Joe had been hurting almost as much as Adam. "He's been very sad. I think he didn't want to be here and ruin our Christmas, so he went there to work and keep himself busy."

"And it's all my fault. When can I go there?"

"Right now if the boys will hitch up the sleigh for me, and hand a few lanterns on it." Hoss and Joe grabbed their coats and headed out to do just that. Melody went to tell Hop Sing so he packed a basket with food as well as a few extras. Melody gathered a couple of blankets and a thick quilt. Ben told Abe to make himself comfortable. Then he and Kate went outside to help load up the sleigh.

"Why are we taking so much stuff?"

"Kate, my son took some food and blankets with him, but only enough for himself. I think it might be a good idea for the two of you to spend some time together and your new house may be the best place to do that. Now, would you like to pack a valise and bring it along?"

"I have my small travel valise. I could bring that with me."

Ben climbed into the sleigh with Kate. Joe said he ought to ride along to accompany his father on the return trip. "Pa, you know you wouldn't want one of us out there alone at night. It will be getting dark by the time you can return. I'll just ride along to help if needed." Ben had to agree that made sense. In about forty minutes, they were at the new house. Smoke was coming from the chimney and they could see light through the windows in the center of the house. Ben pulled the sleigh to a stop in front of the house. He helped Kate down and they walked to the front door. It wasn't locked and they stepped inside. Adam was sitting by the fireplace with his head down. To Kate, he looked like a defeated man. She had never thought she would see him look like that, and knew she was the cause of it.

"Pa, I told Hop Sing I didn't want anyone to come here."

"And I would have followed your wishes except there's someone else here for you."

Adam looked up then and Ben had seen that look before. He showed no expression even though he had to be greatly surprised. He would show nothing until he knew what was happening.

Kate walked to him and he did not react. Ben stepped outside and waited. He hoped that one of them would come to tell him he could leave. He feared that he would be giving Kate a ride back to the Ponderosa for the look on Adam's face had not been a welcoming one.

Inside, Kate started talking. "I'm your wife even if I haven't been acting like it for some time now. I'm back to stay. I did see a doctor, and he did diagnose me with melancholia but said he thought it was already lifting and that seeing him meant I was on the road to healing myself. That's not an excuse. It's just a statement of fact. I had to come see you but the roads were awful and the telegraph lines are down. I'm just babbling because no matter what I say I know I cannot undo what I did. I hoped that your love for me wouldn't be gone and that you could find it in your heart to forgive me."

"So you just expect me to go back to the house and act like nothing has happened?"

"No, I thought we could stay here and talk. I have a lot to tell you that I should have told you much sooner. Your father packed a lot of stuff we could use if you want me to stay, but he's waiting outside if you want me to go."

Adam stood then and walked to the door. Kate was worried that he would tell her to leave. Instead, he opened the door and waved to his father to bring it all in. Once the items were deposited inside, Ben and Joe wished them a Merry Christmas and left. They had told them as they were unloading the supplies that they would be back in two days to see if they wanted to come back to the house. Adam waved as they climbed into the sleigh. Then he closed the door and looked at Kate. She thought he would ask her to start talking, but he walked to her and kissed her. She kissed back and was nearly overwhelmed by the passion Adam expressed.

"We can talk later. Make love with me. Show me you care."

Chapter 6

Adam held Kate tightly waiting for her answer. She nodded and leaned into him. Kate was trembling and Adam caressed her back and held her to him. Slowly she began to respond. She wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her body into him. She tipped her head up hoping for a kiss. Adam waited and let her initiate the contact. Kate raised her hand to caress his cheek before she kissed him probing into his mouth with her tongue. He met her advances and they kissed for a long time. As Adam touched her breasts, Kate began to unbutton his shirt and then slipped her hands inside and ran them through the hair on his chest. She kissed him then and buried her face in it as she inhaled his smell, something she had missed so dearly. As Adam dropped his shirt to the floor, he reached over and rolled out one of the mattresses that his father had brought.

"There are two of them."

"For now, we only need one."

Stepping close to Kate again, Adam began to undo the buttons of her dress. Kate smiled at him, slipped out of her dress, and threw a blanket over the mattress before lying down on her side. Adam lay beside her and pulled the quilt over them. He slipped his pants off and felt Kate's hands touching him lovingly. He laid still and enjoyed the sensations of being touched by loving hands. It had been so long. He hadn't had a hug or gentle touch like this in so long, he was starved for it. He slid his hand up Kate's side pushing her camisole up. She raised her arms and he slid it over her head. Then he moved his hand to her hip and slid it inside her pantaloons sliding one side of it slowly down her thigh. Kate rolled on her back and lifted her hips so he could remove it. Adam leaned down and kissed Kate again only this time he brushed his lips softly over hers before nudging her lips apart with his tongue. He kissed and caressed each inch of skin it seemed as he moved down her body reveling in the willingness of his wife to give herself over to him so completely. As Adam moved up to kiss her lips, Kate's hands started moving across his chest and then she pushed him on his back, and he enjoyed that Kate was doing the same for him as he had done for her. She kissed and caressed every spot on his body it seemed. Kate had expected the lovemaking to be fast and intense after so long a time, but instead, it was very slow and sensuous. When Kate was ready, she laid back and pulled Adam atop her, and he joined with her as they completed their renewal of passion.

When Adam and Kate had finished making love, he held her tightly in his arms and rolled on his back pulling her atop him. Kate rested her head on his chest as Adam ran his hands up and down her back.

"I do love you. I missed you terribly and it was all my fault that you weren't there. We should talk now. I have a letter in my valise for you to read too."

"I do love you. It hurt so much to be pushed away. You said you would explain, but first we need more wood for the fire and another blanket. I'm feeling a little chilled now."

After gently sliding Kate to the side, Adam slipped out from under the quilt and grabbed a blanket and handed it to Kate who threw it over the quilt. Walking quickly, Adam got some more wood for the fire, grabbed Kate's valise as requested and set it beside her, and then slid back under the quilt and blanket as fast as he could.

"It's cold out there when you're not wearing anything. Kate snickered as she reached for her valise. She pulled out a fat envelope and handed it to Adam who looked at it somewhat suspiciously.

"Uncle Abe made me tell him everything. He said he would put me over his knee if I didn't."

"Now there's a thought. If you won't talk to me, I could do that."

"Don't even think about it. No, then he made me write every single thing I told him in this letter. He said I could mail it or deliver it, but that you had a right to know. He was mad at me because I held back how I was feeling and what I was thinking, and that was the root of all of our troubles. So here's the letter."

Adam reached out to pull a lantern closer. He pulled the sheets from the envelope, turned onto his stomach, and began to read. It didn't take long to get his first reaction.

"They said what!" Adam was furious as he read Kate's letter. She was finding it was easier to discuss things with him if he had some idea of it already by reading what Uncle Abe had made her write. She was ready to talk about that incident but didn't know if she could ever have repeated those hateful words his friends had said if he was looking at her.

"I'm sorry, Adam. I know I was eavesdropping and shouldn't have done that."

Pulling Kate into his arms again, Adam reassured her.

"I'm not angry with you. They always treated me so well, I assumed they respected me too. Too late I have realized that I wrongly assumed they would respect my wife. I guess I was very wrong. Tomorrow, I'm writing a letter rescinding my invitation for them to visit us here. They're planning a trip to San Francisco, and I told them they could stay with us on the way, but that's not happening now."

Kate smiled at the tone of Adam's voice. She could hear the heat of his anger and indignation in his words and knew they would be in that letter too.

"I am so sorry that I put you in those predicaments. I knew that they always thought of me as their country friend but I had no idea the disdain they have for me too. I had thought we could have some enjoyable conversation. Their comments about you are so awful, I can't imagine the pain you must have felt. I wish you had told me when we were there."

"Adam, do not blame yourself for what those people said." Kate emphatically emphasized the 'not' drawing another smile from Adam. "I should have told you right away. It made things so much worse by trying to endure them silently. But what would you have done if I had told you? Shoot them?"

Adam looked over at Kate then and was relieved and then cheered by the look she gave him. She was teasing him. She hadn't done that in a long time. He continued to read and looked at her several times before speaking.

"Kate, I wasn't upset that you didn't want to live in New York. The city held no attraction for me once I saw the reality of it. Those job offers all came with strings attached that would have made me sacrifice principles that I could never give up. Sweetheart, you need to tell me when you have these feelings. I will never love another. I love you. I can't imagine my life without you. When you were gone, I had no idea what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. It all seemed so pointless without you."

"Will you do the same? Will you tell me when you are feeling bad?"

"That's very hard for me to do."

"Adam, that is also very hard for me to do. But if you want us to never suffer through anything like what happened, we both have to talk with each other more. I don't care how we do it. I find this letter that Uncle Abe made me write is making it so much easier for me to let you know what I was thinking. Perhaps there is a lesson in there. I could write letters to you telling you what is in my heart and mind when I am troubled. We wouldn't always have to talk about them, but if you wondered about something, we could talk just like this."

"Oh, you mean lying naked next to each other wrapped in blankets before a nice warm fire in the fireplace."

Kate was going to tell him to be serious when he pulled her into a long, sensuous kiss. It made her forget what she had been going to say.

"That's not fair. We were supposed to be having a serious conversation. You said after we made love, we would talk."

"Sorry, sweetheart, I was just buying some time to think." Leaning back a bit so he could see her face, Adam took a deep breath.

"I write journals. I have written journals for much of my life. If you want to read them, any of them, you have my permission. I will continue to write, and you can read any or all of it. Just one caveat, you may not discuss the contents of those journals with anyone but me. Promise?"

"Adam, thank you for trusting me so much. Yes, I promise, but you wouldn't need my promise. I would never violate a confidence with you."

"Hmm, letters and journals. Not the classic communication between husband and wife, I suppose, but I think it will work for us."

"I'm hungry. Can we see what Hop Sing sent along for us?"

At the main house, dinner was pleasant. The Martins and Roy Coffee had been there for the feast but with snow threatening, they had left early. After dinner, it was quiet. All were wondering how Kate and Adam were doing. Abe had been invited to stay but had said he better go see how his sister was doing as long as he was there.

"I shur wish Adam was here to sing some songs or at least play that guitar so we could sing."

"Hoss, I know it's going to be different, but we have to give your brother and his wife some time alone. That's why I wanted them to stay at the new house. They'll have time to talk."

"And do other things if I know Adam."

"Joseph, that is no way to talk especially in front of a lady."

"Sorry, Melody. Guess I forgot it wasn't just us guys here any more. You fit in so well. Hey, what plans have you two made for your wedding? It's less than a week away now."

"Melody and I ain't made too many plans yet. I wanted Adam and Kate to be at the wedding and we was thinking of postponing the wedding until this happened. Now it looks like they'll be here and we can get married on New Year's."

"Hoss and I want to keep it simple. I will wear my favorite dress and he will wear his new blue shirt. We want to be married right here. With it being so cold, I don't know how many people we can invite. I only have a few friends up on the mountain. I mostly kept to myself. They couldn't travel here anyway with the weather as it is. But you folks have so many friends. How can we possibly have them all here?"

Ben had been thinking of a solution ever since Hoss had said they wanted a winter wedding. "If the two of you don't mind, I have an idea. We could invite only our closest friends to the wedding and keep it small. Then in spring, when the weather is nice, we could have a big outdoor picnic to say goodbye to winter and celebrate your wedding with as many people as you want including your friends from up on the mountain."

Hoss looked over at Melody who smiled broadly at him. He looked at his father and nodded. Joe jumped up and started describing all the things he could do to make the spring celebration a rousing success. Ben rolled his eyes, but Hoss was looking up at Joe with a dreamy look as Joe talked of fireworks, magicians, a giant cake, carriage rides, and all sorts of entertainment ideas.

Chapter 7

On Christmas morning, Kate awoke to a vision of Adam sitting on the hearth drinking a cup of coffee and watching her. He was fully dressed and had his coat on too.

"Are you leaving?"

"No, but it was quite cold in here this morning, and the snow is really coming down. I got the fireplace fired up and stoked the stove in the kitchen. I don't have a stovepipe in for the one in the washroom so I moved the table from there into the kitchen and put a bowl on it. You can wash there. The buckets by the back door are empty again so if you need to use them, go ahead. I hung one blanket in a corner of the kitchen near the stove for privacy. That's about all I can do about that."

"Where are my clothes?" Kate had been looking all around and couldn't see a single piece of her clothing.

"They're all in there with you. I put them there when I got up. My clothes were frigid, and I thought you might like yours warmed up a little. If you don't want to put your boots on, there's a pair of my thick socks in there for you to use."

"Can I have a cup of coffee before I brave the cold out there?"

Smiling, Adam stood and reached behind him to retrieve the coffee pot to pour a cup for Kate.

"Sorry, all we have are these metal cups. But they worked for the wine last night, so coffee should be just fine." He handed her a cup, and as he leaned down, Kate was sure she smelled chocolate.

"Did you have chocolate?"

"Yes, Hop Sing packed some in the basket. I found them this morning when I emptied the packets from the bottom of the basket." After opening a small box near his feet, Adam leaned forward and popped a chocolate into Kate's willing mouth. "Merry Christmas!"

"Hmmm, that is so good." Looking at him, Kate had another question. "Did you shave already?"

"I was up and the water is hot, so, yes."

"Well, then, it's still warm in here. Maybe you'd like to come back in and we could think of something to give each other for Christmas?"

"Hold that thought. Breakfast is in the oven. I'll serve you breakfast in bed. You may need the energy." With a big grin, Adam walked to the kitchen and came back quickly with plates and forks. "There's scrambled eggs with bacon and some of Hop Sing's corn bread warmed up."

As Kate started eating, she realized she was ravenous and ate everything on the plate. Adam took her plate and poured more coffee for her. Kate drank it down and then looked up sheepishly at Adam.

"Now I think I need to go take care of a few things."

"Go ahead. Just wrap one of those blankets around you and you should be warm enough. The kitchen is smaller than this room, and is much warmer already."

As Kate was finishing her morning ablutions, she felt Adam's arms encircle her from behind. Taking the towel from her hands, he wiped her face and hands for her before dropping the towel on the table. His arms were bare so Kate was not surprised to turn around in his embrace to find he was shirtless. He had removed his jacket of course but also his boots. Wearing stockings and pants, Adam picked Kate up as she was still wrapped in her blanket and carried her back to the bundle of blankets and the quilt atop the mattresses where they had slept the night before. She saw that he had her clothing and his shirt hanging from a bench in front of the fire. He set her down and pulled the blankets back. She dropped the blanket she had wrapped around herself and quickly moved to slide under the blankets. Adam watched her every move. Then he unbuttoned his pants and dropped them and slipped his socks off placing all three items on the bench with Kate's clothing and his shirt. Sliding under the blankets with Kate, Adam made her shiver just a bit until his skin warmed again.

"Last night, you said you were surprised at how long we made love and that it wasn't more intense after all the time we spent apart. Well now we can go for intense and passionate."

To emphasize the point, Adam wrapped his arms around her and kissed her deeply as he moved his body along hers stimulating both of them. Within moments, Kate was enthralled by the intense emotions and was moaning with pleasure. Adam moved quickly over her, and they joined again but in a much more physical reaction as both stroked each other and kissed passionately even as they continued to move in that ancient dance of lovers. Kate nearly bit down on Adam's shoulder with the intensity of her release as Adam moaned in his own ecstasy. Panting and sweating, they lay in each other's grasp for some time before either spoke.

"Adam, we're creating some truly amazing Christmas traditions. I don't think we will ever be able to top this."

"We could try." Adam grinned and kissed her on the nose. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, love, and to many, many more as sweet as this one."

"So, we have time to talk again. Tell me about your trip here."

With a lot of theatrics, Kate talked about the ice storm and the terrible road conditions, the smelly man on the stage with them who luckily finally disembarked in Reno. She told him of the way station with the bugs in the beds so she and Abe slept at the kitchen table sitting in chairs wrapped in their coats with their heads resting atop their arms on the table. "We woke up in the morning and could hardly move we were so stiff. It was terrible."

"Oh, I've done that too. It takes a day usually for everything to loosen up again." And Adam told her about his back which troubled him periodically and why it was that way. They spent the rest of the day talking about mundane things and serious things, but talking all the time whether preparing a meal, eating, or even as Kate helped Adam put shelves in the pantry. Finally, they got to the most sensitive topic of all.

"Do you still want to have a baby?"

"Oh, yes, Adam, I do. I just hope and pray that God will bless us with a child this time. I know I have to accept whatever happens, but another miscarriage would just be so terrible."

"Did you talk to a doctor about it?"

"Briefly. He said that I should not worry about the next pregnancy. He said lots of women have them and then have children. Some women even have children and then have a miscarriage. Apparently not many people talk about it but the doctor said about ten or twenty percent of his patients have had them at one time or another. He said if I get through the first three months, the odds of miscarrying should be less."

"I talked to Paul. He said the same thing the doctor in Boston said. They don't know why miscarriages happen. He suggested normal activities, nothing strenuous, and lots of good food and rest. Other than that, he said it's in God's hands. So I guess we ought to pray a lot too."

"And hope. We can't give up hope that it will happen for us. I think I blamed myself for the miscarriage. I thought I had let you down by losing our baby. I was wrong about that of course, and I was wrong to shut you out. Never let me do that again."

"Can I put you over my knee if you're being stubborn?"

"No, but you can give me a good whip lashing with your words. I know you can do it." At Adam's look, Kate continued. "It's what I may need sometimes. Don't back away from me. I'm not that fragile even if I act like I am some times. I'm a survivor, and I can be as strong as I need to be. Don't let me feel so sorry for myself that I forget to live."

Pulling Kate into his embrace again, Adam held her and she wrapped her arms around him. "Adam, we are so much more when we're together. I think we're ready to go back home and work together on our marriage."

"I think so too. We can pack everything up in the morning, and hope that the snow stops by then. If it doesn't, we have all the basic necessities covered but meal times could get pretty boring. There's only basic foodstuffs in the pantry."

At the main house, they were worried about the snow too, and worried that Kate and Adam might get snowed in without adequate supplies. Heavy snows didn't usually fall this early but this storm looked like it could last a long time.

"Hoss, you worked with Adam in the last few weeks at the new house. How much does he have for supplies?"

"Pa, we stacked a lot of firewood next to the house and there's also the scraps left over from building so they'll be warm. Adam was thinking of working on the inside some this winter so we knew he'd need a lot of firewood. There's plenty of the basic food supplies there but if this lasts very long, they'll be eating a lot of beans, flatbread, and oatmeal because that's mainly the type of supplies we stocked up on. There's some sugar and some salt, but other than the food he brought with him when he went or that basket you took there, he ain't got much variety. There's no smokehouse or cellar yet so there's no meat like ham or bacon, and no fruit or vegetables either."

"Well, tomorrow, boys, we'll hitch up the draft horses and go get them as soon as it stops snowing and blowing."

By the next day at noon, the storm seemed to suddenly end and the sun was shining. Ben, Hoss, and Joe grabbed their coats and hats and headed outside only to stop in shock on the front porch. The yard was filled with snowdrifts that were three to five feet high. Even the draft horses would not be able to get through. They looked at each other in resignation. There was nothing they could do. They went to the stable to do the basic chores and then trudged back inside with Melody looking at them wondering why they looked so dejected. When they told her, she went to the front door and looked for herself. The snow would melt and the yard and the roads would be cleared but not in the next day or two. She shut the door and went to sit by Hoss. Everyone was quiet and thinking about how Christmas had not turned out nearly as well as they had hoped. Hop Sing announced lunch, and they went to the table, but there was little holiday merriment.

That afternoon, Ben sat with the new book he had received for Christmas. Hoss had his new carving tools and was working on a block of wood cutting it down into the rough shape of a raccoon that he had found was Melody's favorite animal. Melody was organizing the new sewing chest she had received. There was an identical one sitting under the tree for Kate. Joe was settled in the blue chair by the tree reading one of his presents, the latest dime novel. They heard some noise on the porch and Hoss went to see what it was.

"Pa, Joe, Melody, ya gotta come see this. Come here, quick."

As the four of them crowded in the doorway, they were amazed by the sight before them. Adam looked like a tall snow man covered it seemed from boots to hat which he had tied on with a scarf. Equally snow covered was Kate who was struggling to stand. Adam took her hands to pull her up, grabbed her valise, and moved quickly toward the house with his snowshoes in hand as well.

"Did you walk the whole way?"

"Yes, I used the snowshoes and pulled Kate on the sled. When the storm stopped and I saw how deep the snow was, I knew we had to get moving. Took about an hour and a half but here we are."

Hoss slapped Adam on the back and was rewarded with a bunch of snow spattering across him and the front entry. Ben put one hand on Adam's shoulder and one on Kate's. "It is so good to have the two of you here. It really seems like Christmas now."

Chapter 8

Standing at the fireplace, Hoss looked up the stairs to see Melody descending on his father's arm. Unlike Kate, Melody had no family in the west as they had succumbed to a mountain fever years earlier. She had remarkably survived. Now she was minutes away from being Hoss' wife. He felt drops of perspiration running down the back of his neck. Adam leaned in close and whispered to him.

"This is the worst of it. Once you get past these few moments, it will be joy and adventure."

Looking briefly at Adam, Hoss thought he had to be right if he could say that after all that he had been through. It must truly be remarkable to be married and wake up with your lover by your side every day. He took a deep breath and gave Adam a small grin.

"That's it. Now just keep smiling like that. You don't want our guests to think you're not thrilled about this."

That got a bigger grin from Hoss. Several of the ladies in attendance were known to be quite good at making sure everyone knew about everyone's business. His father had warned him to be sure to make a good impression so the stories would be positive. Looking at Melody walking toward him, Hoss' smile grew even broader making everyone in the audience smile as well. The minister conducted the ceremony, and after Hoss' kissed the bride, Joe led their guests in a rousing cheer.

The wedding reception was attended only by two dozen of their closest friends. There was a small cake, and lots of food on the table with Ben's famous punch. The weather had finally cleared for a bit, and everyone was relaxed and was able to enjoy themselves without worrying about being stranded due to the weather. But it was still winter and at about four, the guests began departing. The family had dinner together and then after dinner at about seven, they told Hoss and Melody to take a look at the downstairs guest room. It had been decorated by Kate and Adam with Joe's help. There were no flowers because of the season, but there were pine boughs tied with blue and white ribbons that gave the room a fresh welcoming smell. There was champagne chilling in a pail of ice and two flutes beside it. There was a plate of chocolates and small cakes. The bed was done in blue and white gingham that Kate had sewed just for the occasion.

"Kate, how did you do this? I never saw you sewing." Melody was amazed.

"Well, Adam wasn't in the bedroom all the time especially in the mornings. I really do not sleep that late." That made everyone laugh, and even got Adam to blush a little. He had been very attentive to Kate, and everyone had noticed although no one had said anything.

"With these two ladies in our family now, I think we may all be getting new bed linens and curtains." Ben was proud of his sons' choices for wives. The house had needed a feminine touch but neither of these ladies were going to overdo it. It was a good balance.

"Now Hoss and Melody, we are all going to retire to our rooms to read and such." Joe poked Adam in the side and snickered at their father's statement and got a scowl in response that only made him laugh more.

"Joseph, will you please remember there are ladies present!"

"I can't help it, Pa, their room is right next to mine." Joe wanted to say more but his father's glare silenced him. "Sorry, Pa. Sorry, sisters."

Adam was looking forward very much to the end of winter so he could finish his house and move there. It was very difficult to he and Kate to have any real privacy living with his family. He knew that she would be reticent tonight as she would be all too aware now of Joe listening in the next room. Hoss and Melody would not have that problem for tonight they would be downstairs, and in the future, Hoss' room was across the hall from Adam and Joe so they would have more privacy. Hoss' room was next to their Pa's, but he would never say anything like Joe did.

January passed very pleasantly for a change. Adam was in a good mood that seldom happened when he was confined for a long period. There were a few arguments between him and Kate but nothing serious. Joe witnessed the first one and was mystified. Ben and Hoss had come in from the stable and to see Joe sitting and staring up the stairs.

"What's wrong, Joe, lose something?"

"No, Hoss, but the strangest thing happened. Kate and Adam started to bark at each other. You know how he is. Well she can give as good as she gets. Then he stormed up the stairs and she stomped over to the desk. She pulled out a sheet of paper and wrote like a madwoman for a little while. Then she grabbed that paper and stomped up the stairs. Then it was real quiet before I heard talking. Then it got real quiet again until, you know, there were those sounds that Pa doesn't want me to mention. What do you suppose that's all about?"

No one could quite understand it, but after they had witnessed the same thing happen a few more times, Ben had an observation. "Those two have the most unusual fights I have ever seen a married couple have, but somehow it works for them. I guess it would have to be Adam to come up with something like that. They have their arguments in writing."

"Hey, Pa, wouldn't you like to read some of them letters Kate writes?"

"Maybe, maybe not." Then they all laughed.

Upstairs, Adam and Kate could hear the laughter and correctly surmised that once again they were the center of attention. They had argued, made love, and were lying in each other's embrace talking. It seemed that making love relaxed the barriers that each had, and they could converse so much more honestly. So they often took advantage of that situation to bring up important things with each other.

"Are you sure?"

"Well, as sure as I can be at this point. It's been four weeks and nothing, so I would say, probably." Kate knew Adam would be overprotective now, but she wouldn't mind. She knew how much he loved her and that he needed to be that way now.

"Now, we need to make sure to follow Paul's advice. He did say that in his experience, most miscarriages happen in the first three months."

"Well, it's not likely that I could overdo it snowed in as we are most of the time now. And I'm getting plenty of rest, and with Hop Sing cooking, I'm getting lots of good food too."

"No morning sickness though?"

"None. I asked Uncle Abe if my mother had that, and he said he didn't remember anything like that. I wish I could ask Mother but I'm afraid to bring up anything that has to do with you. She's still mad about you marrying me."

"Maybe a grandchild will help."

"One can always hope, but I don't know if my mother can ever be happy. Uncle Abe says she relives all those horrible times over and over in her mind. She can't let go. Other than me and Uncle Abe, she doesn't trust anyone. It's a terrible way to live."

"She seems so angry too like she's angry at the world for what was done to her. I suppose it's even more difficult now that you're not there to help her."

"Adam, I was wondering. Do you think at some point that Mother and Father could live with us?"

That shook Adam to the core. He had never considered that, and his look must have conveyed his shock to Kate. She took a deep breath and rested her forehead against his chest.

"Kate, I'm sorry, but you just surprised me so much with that request. I don't know if I could ever be comfortable with your mother living in the same house. I think the tension would be too much for all of us. But, I have another idea. How about if you float the idea to her of them living near us? I could build a small cottage near our house for them. We could share meals often, and they could visit a lot, but when things were too tense, we could each retreat to a safe haven."

"You mistrust my mother so much?"

"Kate, I'm sorry, but she is a little unbalanced. Abe told me that one of the reasons he lives in Laramie when he could locate his business almost anywhere out here is that Mary has the ability to poison his mind. Now he's a strong man and if he's worried about her, I think it logical that I pay attention to that. Look what she did to try to drive us apart."

"I guess I always forget the bad stuff. She's my mother and I love her. She went through so much, and my heart breaks to see her continue to suffer."

"I wish there was something we could do. Maybe we could talk to Paul to see if he has any ideas. We need to see him at some point anyway."

Building wasn't just on Adam's mind. Hoss came to him and asked him again about designing a house for him and Melody. Adam had worked on plans earlier and brought them out for the couple to evaluate.

"It would help if I knew where you wanted to build."

"In the meadow just about four miles toward the northeast. You know, the one with the stand of pines on both edges and that little stream with the rocks in it at the bottom."

"So you want to build on a slope?"

"Yes, is that a problem?"

"Not at all. I just need to adjust the drawing to account for the slope. I'll have to use estimates until we can get out there to look over the site, but it should be close. When do you want to build?" Adam had to laugh at Hoss' emphatic pronouncement that as soon as possible would be best.

By Valentine's Day, Hoss and Melody were happy with the house plans and only had to wait for the snows to melt to begin building. That would be about the same time Kate and Adam planned to move to their house for Adam thought he could get more done finishing the house if they were living there. Ben suggested a big family dinner for it looked like the last holiday they might all be living in the same house. At dinner, Ben offered wine to everyone but Kate and Melody both asked for a glass of milk instead and at the same time. Both couples looked at the other and smiled knowingly.

"Well, it looks like my married sons have even more to celebrate. Here's to family!"

"Hey, what's the 'even more' we have to celebrate?" Joe was mystified.

"All in good time, Joseph, all in good time. Let's just say there's a lot of joy in this house right now."

Chapter 9

With Easter fast approaching and the wedding celebration to be held in conjunction with Easter on the Ponderosa, Joe was feeling very pressured. He had promised Hoss a super celebration but there was so much work to do to get ready. He thought there was no possible way he could complete all of his plans when Adam and Candy offered to help. He would have hugged them if he thought either of them would have allowed it. Instead he gave them a grin and handed off tasks for each of them. Adam had to prepare everything for an Easter egg hunt and carriage rides. Candy was in charge of decorations for the yard and setting up a stage for the magician. Hop Sing of course was in charge of food. Adam was curious as to what else Joe was going to do.

"Well, I have to get the fireworks and set them up in the pasture. Then I have to make sure the flowers are going to be here. Then I have to get the bunnies and kittens for the children's area. I got some older girls to agree to watch the young ones so their parents can enjoy the party in the afternoon until it's time for dinner. They're going to need some toys and things to keep the kids busy. Then I have to find someone to dress up in the Easter bunny outfit. It's Hoss' party so he can't do it this time."

"Joe, is this a carnival or a wedding celebration?" Adam was laughing.

Candy wasn't laughing but had a huge grin. "Joe, remind me never to let you plan a party for me."

"You just wait. When people see this, I may have to start a wedding planning business. I could see people from all over Nevada and even California hiring me to set something like this up. Hey I could even expand and do camel rides and have a hot air balloon. Hey do you think Pa would be up for trying to buy another elephant. She could work on the ranch during the week and then I could use her for parties on the weekend."

Candy couldn't hold it in any more and started laughing so hard he leaned on Adam's shoulder. Hoss came out of the house to see what all the fun was about, but neither Adam nor Candy was able to speak so Hoss looked at Joe.

"They think my ideas are funny. But you just wait, Hoss, people will be talking about your party all over Nevada. You'll be famous."

"Be sure to invite Dan so he can write a first-hand account. Oh my Lord." And Adam lost it again, and he and Candy had to walk away so they could stop laughing and get back to work.

On Easter morning, after church, there was a parade of wagons and carriages headed to the Ponderosa ranch. Many had heard rumors of the entertainment and couldn't wait to be there. The Easter egg hunt was first. Adam saw Kate standing with her parents and grabbed two small baskets before heading over to them.

"Would you ladies be interested in an Easter egg hunt? I have a basket for each of you."

Mary was going to refuse but a sharp 'Mary' from Dan and she nodded yes. Dan had a question though. Don't you know where all the eggs are?"

"Yes, but the ladies do not. Ladies and children are to look. Husbands and fathers may give advice only in terms of 'hot' or 'cold'. Let's go. They're all in the garden and field behind the house." Adam offered an arm to Kate and one to Mary who slowly accepted. Dan took Mary's other arm and the four of them marched to the hunt. Once they got there, Kate spotted an egg right away. Soon Mary was being coached by Dan, and Adam saw her smile for the first time when she found some eggs. She was much nicer looking when she smiled. After about fifteen minutes, the ladies thought they had enough eggs and would let all the rest for the children who were scurrying about searching for eggs. Hoss was coaching Melody as much as he could and her basket was nearly overflowing with eggs when she called it quits eliciting a small frown from Hoss.

Some children were more disappointed than Hoss and found only one egg or in some cases, none. Adam called a halt when he saw a number of children with full baskets of eggs.

"All right. That's the end of the first hunt. Now the second hunt is just for those who have one or two eggs or none. The others will have to wait for the third hunt."

Adam walked over to one little girl who had been squinting and finding no eggs. He reached behind her ear and when he opened his hand, there was a beautifully colored egg in it.

"Now, Mary Lou, how are you ever going to get a basket full of eggs if you keep hiding them behind your ears." The little girl squealed in delight. Then Adam reached behind her other ear, opened his hand, and presented her with another egg. The children as well as many of the adults smiled or laughed at his sleight of hand. Mary Lou was grinning from ear-to-ear. Adam took her hand and led his small band to the center of the garden and had them look up. There in the tree branches were eggs. He reached up and grabbed some for the children, and then by request started lifting children to grab the eggs themselves. Soon all had eggs and Mary Lou was sitting on his broad shoulders. He walked with her back to her parents and lifted her down.

"Thank you, Adam. Thank you so much." Mary Lou's mother was almost overcome with joy and a few tears did make it down her cheeks. Her daughter had impaired vision and would never see clearly. But this day, she had found eggs and would remember it fondly forever.

Standing with Kate and Mary, Dan had watched the whole proceeding. "He's going to make a great father someday."

Looking at her parents, Kate just said a few words. "Sooner than you may think." Mary gasped, and Dan smiled. They were going to be grandparents. "Only you, Ben, Hoss and Melody know. Well other than the doctor. About five more months."

Adam announced that anyone could look for eggs until they were all found and then came to stand with his wife. Dan grabbed his hand and shook it so he knew that Kate had told them. He grinned broadly then. Adam offered his arm to Mary who took it, and Dan took Kate on his arm and they walked back to the yard where most of the party was. Adam told them that he and Kate were going to be taking people on 'carriage' rides except it was really a buckboard to which Adam had added bench seats and railings. Then he and Kate had decorated it and put pillows and blankets in the back for the comfort of passengers. Many people had never seen some of the beauty of the Ponderosa so it was a chance to take a short tour. Adam said each ride would only be about an hour as they took them to the ridge near where he was finishing their home. Dan insisted to Mary that they should be in the first group so they climbed aboard with six others. Adam climbed into the front seat with Kate at his side. Once they were well away from the buildings and corral fences, he handed the reins to Kate and pulled his guitar from under the seat to lead the group in singing.

Back at the ranch, the magician assisted by Joe put on a short show. It was the man's juggling that amazed the children most. Joe did a little juggling too and soon were instructing some children and their parents in the fine art of juggling. Then it was time to get the children into their play area and turn to the dancing for the adults. Everything was going so well until one of the barn cats saw all those tempting little bunnies hopping about with the children and decided to try to get one for a meal. Soon there were squealing girls, sobbing children, and overturned chairs and tables. It took nearly an hour to set everything up again, and to catch all the bunnies to assure the children that all were safe and the cat had failed. As Adam drove the 'carriage' back in, everyone was surprised that the dance hadn't started yet. Soon Hoss was telling them the story, and Adam and Kate were laughing. The musicians started to play, and the dance was back on. Hoss and Melody had to dance the first dance as the newlywed couple. Ben stepped in to cut in and dance with Melody, so Hoss whisked Kate away from Adam. Adam paused for just a moment and then turned to Mary.

"Mrs. McHugh, would you do me the honor of this dance?" Mary hesitated and then smiled. She took Adam's hand, and he led her to the dance floor.

"I don't know how you can be so nice to me."

"You're Kate's mother. You're family."

"It's that simple?"

"It is." And Adam danced with Mary as Kate and Hoss danced and watched. Hoss saw Kate had tears in her eyes and offered her his handkerchief.

"My brother could charm a rattler out of his rattles if you give him time."

"He is very charming. Hey, you're not comparing my mother to a rattler, are you?"

Hoss stammered a 'no' in reply, but Kate started chuckling so he knew she was teasing him. Adam's conversation with Mary continued with that more serious tone.

"I can see why Kate married you. You are charming, kind, and very clever. Please, never hurt my Kate."

"Mrs. McHugh, I would die before I would hurt Kate. I love her with all my heart."

"I believe you, I do. I think perhaps you should call me something other than Mrs. McHugh though. Could you at least call me Mary. We can work on something else as we get to know each other better."

"Yes, Mary, that is a wonderful idea." And Mary started to take the first steps toward healing. Adam knew it would be a long and winding road after all this time, but she was a good person, and wanted to be a part of the family. He couldn't wait to let Kate know, but of course, she could tell just by watching the two of them dance. Mary and Dan declined the offer of the cottage for the time being, but they both said in ten years or so, they would probably like that idea.

They heard cheers then and looked to see Hoss and Melody cutting the cake. The buffet tables were officially open. There was beef, potatoes, beans, spiced fruit, cheeses, biscuits, and of course cake. The dance and the buffet continued until dusk. Then everyone was invited to the meadow near the house where the fireworks show would be. Ben stood there proudly as the fireworks exploded and lit up the scene over and over. He saw Hoss with his arm around Melody holding her close. He saw Adam and Kate kissing at one point. And in the middle of it all, Joe stood as tall as he could proud of his first party production. Then Ben groaned. With this success, who knew what Joe would want to do next.


End file.
